why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
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woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
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Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Ladies don't puke and tell
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
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