he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
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My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
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YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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