Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
