Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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