I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Randomize
