My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
