You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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