doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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