she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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