after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
is wine microwaveable?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
