what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
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