Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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