I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
