i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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