she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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