Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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