I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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