I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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