Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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