So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
A+ Viking dick
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
