if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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