Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
