So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
