yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
i may or may not be watching the land before time
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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