I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
