who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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