It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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