My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
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I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
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If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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