Jerry, you need to find god
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I think i got beer on your cat.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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