I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
