he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
