I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
