i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
