If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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