hotel room ftw
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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