dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Floor bacon is actually really good
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
