Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
