Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Randomize
