Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
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