I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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