i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
