Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
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Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
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