Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
It's Friday. Sex?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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