last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
