The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
