so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
