I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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