the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
