Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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