And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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