Soap is not a condiment
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
