When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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