It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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