Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Randomize
