Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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