My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
