So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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