I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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