when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I am mentally ready for anal.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
