Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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