Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Randomize
