i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
